How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Do you find yourself constantly trying to please people at work? And have you ever questioned why you do that?

Steve Jobs once said: “

Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call ‘life’ was made up by people who were no smarter than you.

Being a people pleaser is a topic that frequently arises when I’m coaching professionals, and it’s something I had to overcome myself early on in my career. Surveys show that actually 50% of people define themselves as people pleasers.

So, what is this all about being a people pleaser, and what impact does it have on someone’s life?

What is a people people?

A people-pleaser is a person who puts others’ needs ahead of their own. The influence being a people pleaser can have on someone’s success can vary; it can range from stress and mental burnout to as extreme as a lack of identity. When constantly pleasing people, you often start suppressing yourself and mirroring others.

Consequences of being a people pleaser

At some point, you might wake up one morning and realize that you have never owned your own success because you have been anyone other than your authentic self.

Some other effects that people pleasing can have on your life include :

• feeling frustrated with yourself, people around you such as friends and colleagues becoming frustrated with you as you don’t seem to be able to make your own decisions,
• feeling resentment towards others as you don’t have time for what you really care about,
• and having poor quality relationships as they are very much one-sided.

Root causes of being a people pleaser

Childhood trauma

There can be many different root causes of being a people pleaser, starting with childhood trauma to a lack of confidence.

For me, it was finally convincing myself that I was good at what I was doing, although there is always room for learning and improvement – but that’s the beauty of it! Therefore, there was no need for constant validation from others.

Being validated by others seems to be a recurrent pattern. Another common pattern is the fear of dealing with conflict. But where does this come from? The starting point to overcome being a people pleaser is to identify what the root cause really is, such as childhood trauma, often linked to parents expecting their children to shift their behaviour in order to fit in, and sending the message that disappointing others is wrong.

Some other common root causes are:

• Negative experiences in your past: People who have gone through trauma often tend to avoid similar situations by pleasing people, to make sure they are avoiding conflict and aggression towards them.
• Being a perfectionist: If you are a perfectionist, you want your relationships to be perfect, and often the idea people have in their head about a perfect relationship is that every interaction is harmonic and that conflict should not be part of the equation.

Once you have identified the root cause, you can start working on an action plan to overcome this annoying syndrome of being a people pleaser, which often holds you back in your career and in life. Something that seems to be vital for everyone is to define clearly the boundaries and to make sure they are being communicated clearly and acknowledged by people around them.

More about what can be done to tackle being a people pleaser in my article here.

How to overcome being a people pleaser

Below is an action plan to overcome being a people pleaser:

1. Define the root cause of being a people pleaser. Often talking things through with someone who is objective and non-judgmental, such as a coach, can help you.
2. Define your boundaries by writing them down, and then practise communicating them clearly to people around you, making sure they acknowledge that they have understood what your boundaries are.
3. Learn to say no: practise, practise, practise.
4. Learn assertiveness: Start thinking about how you can say no without damaging your relationships.
5. Set yourself clear goals around where you want to be in life.
6. Break down your goals into small and achievable steps.
7. Encourage yourself: brainstorm what your strengths are, what you enjoy doing, and get feedback from others.
8. Surround yourself with a support network.